CONglamourART

Advertisers Take Note: Product is Key

2010-08-03T09:56:00.001-07:00

As Marc Jacob's appears to have discovered with his new men's fragrance poster campaign.

What have we learnt?

Designers aren't necessarily good models.

Marc Jacobs' new fragrance, Bang, probably smells a bit gay...

...but not a very metrosexual gay. Probably more like those gays you see in macho-pastiche gay bars with one syllable names with aggressive vowel sounds like 'Hoist', 'Shunt' or 'Walkabout'.

We have learnt a lot about marketing though and we're going to advise that other companies take heed. Christopher Bailey, if you're out there, we demand a new Burberry Beat poster!

nb, campaign was shot by Juegen Teller. We asked Marc if we could do the shoot. He wasn't keen on the idea.

Tonight we're seeing Gary Numan

2010-07-29T09:53:00.001-07:00

Yeah. You heard!
As a result, we've been pulling that face a lot.

Gary Numan is a trained pilot. He is one of the few people ON THE PLANET qualified to train aerobatic flight instructors. He instructs the instructors. Makes John Travolta look a bit silly in comparison; like a middle aged man with an airport in his garden to hide the fact that he hasn't done a good film since 'Look Who's Talking Too'.

Just a bunch of stuffed birds, innit?

2010-07-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

So, everyone's talking about Polly Morgan.

Of course they are. In the art world a unique selling point is everything and few can boast one as exciting as....wait for it...TAXIDERMY!

Her work is sometimes unsettling, sometimes amusing, but always respectful.

It brings with it the difficult tension of a normally animated life, frozen in often in unnatural circumstances. The piece above has something of Edgar Allen Poe about it, whereas those currently exhibited in Mayfair, apparently suspended by helium balloons, evoke a wholly more modern spectacle.

The exhibition is unfortunately short, but absolutely unmissable and frankly after the disappointment that was Saatchi's 'Newspeak Pt. 1', it's nice to have something both bitesize and rewarding.

Polly Morgan's Psychopomps is showing at Haunch of Venison (W1S 3ET) until September 25th.

Why Do We Reveal Our Faces, Yet Hide Our Bodies?

2010-07-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

...asks photographer Ben Hopper in his recent project 'Naked Girls With Masks'.

Here at CONglamourART, we love it when a title is VERY literal.

On a purely superficial level, how cool is this one?!

We can be pretty sure the Guardian won't be forced to write one of those "Is this art or porn?" pieces.

We first saw these exhibited at the mind blowing Act Art 8 event at the Islington Metalworks. We might well have met and congratulated the artist on the night, but a hedonism induced amnesia means that we can't be at all sure.

To set the record straight, we think they're amazing and this final one is now my desktop wallpaper. If we had £95 lying around, we would definitely be emailing Ben directly on info@THEREALBenHopper.com.

If you do, perhaps that's what you should be doing. Now.

NEWS JUST IN: Alec Empire is a really lovely man

2010-07-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

This is an amazing thing that happened:

Alec Empire of the 'game-changing' digital hardcore band Atari Teenage Riot said nice things about a review I wrote (and by extension, about me). It's all pretty life affirming.

This is the review: Atari Teenage Riot - Live Review

It was a phenomenal night and I urge anyone with a ticket to Leeds, Reading or the infinitely more amazing Offset Festival to take advantage of the rare opportunity to see them live.

XOO

Adam Lambert Vs Zac Pennington

2010-07-16T06:41:00.000-07:00

Who would win in a fight between Adam Lambert and Zac Pennington?
I guess we'll never know. Let's think about it while we read some interviews I did.

Zac Pennington of Parenthetical Girls interviewed for Music Fix

Adam Lambert of Adam Lambert fame interviewed for Music Fix.

Ps, violence solves nothing (except questions which begin "Who would win in a fight between....")

James McMahon's Last Day

2010-07-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

It's James McMahon's last day at the NME today. (That links to a fountain of his polemic) James is basically the last battalion of the old regime of NME - "the rock mag".

He's going on to edit a website for rock and roll fans. Here at CONglamourART, we're not entirely sure what "rock and roll" is. We're told it's what happens if after a musician writes a song, rather than transcribing it to a full orchestral score or synth pop greatness, they just add some drums and a bass line. Crazy.

PopBitch gave him some great coverage yesterday, which McMahon shook off - as one is accustomed after a career with the NME - saying that it only contained two libels. I wonder if he knows that for something to be libellous, it must first be untrue.

Anyway, we're not here to perform any character assassinations. I'm sure he's a nice man. We probably wouldn't have got on, because A) our approaches to music are completely at odds and B) I'm extremely shallow.

We are however a decent organisation and we wish him the best of luck in the future.

Perfume Genius

2010-07-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

This is what we're doing tonight:

We're very excited.

A Tale of Two Freebies

2010-07-12T02:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend Prince gave away his new album 20Ten free with a national newspaper. Today Frankie & the Heartstrings have given away three songs on the internet.

Guess which we're more excited about:

Let's have a Kylie moment....

2010-07-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

To celebrate the release of Kylie Minogue's brilliant new album, Aphrodite, we thought we'd scour the archives a bit. Here's her first ever UK interview. It's from 1988. Now, if anyone remembers 1988, can you please confirm/deny our suspicions that they used to let anyone conduct TV interviews so long as they wore shoulder pads?

Almost makes you glad we've got Jonathan Ross these days. Almost.

Perfume Genius coming to the UK?

2010-05-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently, there is imminent news about Perfume Genius.

For those who don't know, Perfume Genius aka Mike Hadreas has recently abducted my heart and taken me on a whirlwind tour of fandom which has reduced me to the level of an 8 year old girl wetting her pants at a JLS concert. I recently gave his debut album 5/5 in a review in Attitude magazine and I have absolutely no fear in saying it's my favourite album of the year (so far and maybe overall).

So, what could this news be?

Mike is signed to Turnstile, which Zac Pennington (oops, I appear to have a dropped a name there...) tells me is an English label. So, I asked these guys if it might be news of some UK tour dates. Petulant buggers that they are, they replied merely with "who knows, eh?".

I have taken this to mean, yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and prepare my spare room.

Job Vacancy: Glastonbury Headline Act

2010-05-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

Date posted: Tuesday, 25th May 2010
Uncompetitive Salary / Temporary / Benefits

Following the news that U2 are unable to headline Glastonbury Festival's Pyramid Stage on the Friday night, a vacancy has come available.

It is an important year for the festival as it celebrates its 40th birthday. As such, the line-up needs to worthy of Michael Eavis' annual statement: "This is the best line-up ever".

The ideal candidate will have:

A history in the music industry and preferably with the festival itself, like Kylie Minogue.

At least 100,000 fans who already have a ticket, like Kylie Minogue.

An amazing live show, like Kylie Minogue.

Something to promote/reason to be in the UK already, like for instance a new album called 'Aphrodite'.

In case you were still wondering, CONglamourART is championing HRH Miss Kylie Minogue as U2's replacement. It just makes sense. She was set to do it in 2005, but had to pull out due to breast cancer. Basement Jaxx did a very weak attempt at filling the void, but there's something about the Pyramid Stage which just doesn't feel actualised. You know what to do, Emily.

Update (15:10) PopJustice is on the case!

@Popjustice - If hypothetically I were to be chatting with a certain Australian pop 'chanteuse' in around 20 mins is there anything you'd like me to ask?

CONglamourART put in the request.

Post interview Popjustice tweets:
@Popjustice - I've decided I might go to Glastonbury

Excitement mounts!

Update (16:00) - NME sees the logic:

"CONglamourART thought that Kylie Minogue – who was due to play the festival in 2005 before pulling out due to her cancer treatment – is another strong possibility.
'It makes sense for Eavis to invite Kylie back to headline,' they wrote. 'This time without cancer, but with an amazing new album.'"

Update (17:02) - PopJustice breaks the news

@PopJustice - Me: "If Michael Eavis phoned you up right now and said can you step in..." Kylie: "What would be the chances of THAT? (Laughs)"

@PopJustice - Me: "Has there been a conversation?" Kylie: "There's been a conversation. Let's just say I'm quite good at rising to a lastminute challenge"

Then after a considerable, but embarrasingly excited pause...

@PopJustice - There was some more waffle, all of which has been QUASHED by Kylie's publicist who point out that she has commitments in Paris that night.

@PopJustice - Basically Kylie played me. She played me like a CRAP BANJO.

CONglamourART Catch-Up

2010-05-11T05:59:00.000-07:00

CONglamourART's been pretty quiet of late, which is of course a consequence of me being really busy. So, let's catch-up. You alright? Good.

I've been at Popbitch. Popbitch is quite possibly the most amazing place ever. I'm officially hooked. I'd recommend anyone to sign up for their weekly newsletter if only for nuggets such as these:
An anagram of David Cameron is Adman Divorce. An anagram of Gordon Brown PM is Mr Porn down bog. There are no anagrams of Nick Clegg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q - How do you upset Heather Mills?
A - Nick Clegg
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An anagram of Mark Owen is Wank More.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I contributed:

A review of election related i-Phone Apps

A list of happy celebrities. I bumped into Dr Christian Jessen the week after this. He said it had made him chuckle. I was pleased. I very rarely intend malice.

A piece on the uncool music that the UK bloody loves.

There was also a series on grime music called 'Some Motherz Do 'Av 'Em'. Wiley. Lethal Bizzle. Dizzee Rascal. Chipmunk. Tinie Tempah.

And one other piece, which will probably make it's way up there soon, comparing the 'Ones to Watch' lists with reality. It's called 'The Best Thing Since The Ting Tings'.

Then I went to Attitude. For those of you not familiar with the gay press, Attitude is the country's best selling gay magazine. It's pretty good too. Their music coverage is brilliant - what other magazine is interested in getting an interview with Philip Glass' prodigy, Nico Muhly?

While there I reviewed three albums. One of these was the debut album by a guy called Perfume Genius. It is officially the best album that has ever been recorded and you all need to run out an buy it in June.

I also transcribed two really intelligent interviews - Jake Shears on dissident queer politics and Sheridan Smith on camp. I can't link here, but I'll alert the blog as soon as it is published.

For The Music Fix:

Album review: Rufus Wainright - All Days Are Nights: Songs For Lulu 9/10
Album review: Caribou - Swim 7/10
Album review: Temposhark - Threads 6/10
Live review: Vashti Bunyan @ St George's Church, Brighton
Feature: Big Top 40 'Tweet Up' - Taio Cruz

And to conclude my work with XYZ, I reviewed the mighty Efterklang!

The Return of Romain Gavras - but where's M.I.A?

2010-04-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

From the man that directed Justice's ASBO-ragious 'Stress (Auto Mix)' video and The Last Shadow Puppets' communist chic 'Age of the Understatement' comes the video for M.I.A's amazing comeback, 'Born Free'.

The video is incredible, but it's quite hard to tell where M.I.A's song actually happens. Nevertheless, it's an established fact that when she does her comeback properly, with a proper song and a proper dance routine, it'll be mindblowingly amazing.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

If waiting for M.I.A's return is too much for you, CONglamourART advises you go to The Good Ship in Kilburn and wait for a bunch of middle class, middle aged women who've drunk just enough Blossom Hill to mime the shooting noises with every bit of their bingo wings - It passes the time.

Music Video: Frankie & The Heartstrings - Fragile

2010-04-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Frankie and the Heartstrings - Fragile from Carol Lynn on Vimeo.

Got chatting to these guys last night - when I say 'got chatting to', I mean 'got really twatted with and struggled to decipher their thick thick geordie accents while we swapped inappropriate photos of spouses'.

They're lovely guys. CONglamourART has sung their praises before, but since we spent a night stealing their beers and marvelling at their hair, we thought we'd fuel the fire a little more.

This is the video to their song, Fragile. It's pretty simple. The band plays the song. The camera pans round. Standard. There's no Alex Turner style drawled, "Don't believe the hype". Just a really good face that Frankie pulls at the end.

Interestingly, Frankie & The Heartstrings are unique in that their drummer is actually a genius. He's charming, recently married and a former volunteer worker. Pretty good writer too.

Chapel Club

2010-04-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

So, we went to a Chapel Club gig organised by NME radio. Bumped into an old friend. That was nice.

Chapel Club are pretty cool. They're one of those band names that you keep on bumping into, but can't imagine anything about their music based on their name alone so eventually you have to go see it.

Facts:

The frontman isn't the most attractive member. That's very 2010; very zeitgeist.

They recently played a show in Wolverhampton with a faulty guitar. To apologise, they gave free CDs to the audience. Isn't that sweet?

Their music is really good. Definitely worth seeing live before you hear them on CD. I'm tempted to compare them to Joy Division, but that comparison has been used for so many bands (Delphic? Really?) that it just builds you up for a fall. Make your own mind up. I linked to their Myspace at the top.

Mini Super Promotions Presents...

2010-04-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

So, we trotted off to review a PR showcase at The Good Ship in Kilburn. Unfortunately, it was a folk showcase and I'd recently bitten all my fingernails, so I had nothing to do to entertain myself.

So, I flirted with the drummer of the headline band a bit*. He was really fit and boyish and properly camp - AND a good drummer(?)...I was baffled after the gig when he had his arm around a girl.

Here's the review. There were no pictures of the drummer boy, so I decided instead to leave you with a Georgia O'Keefe painting. She's an artist who is supposedly famed for her paintings of flowers, but I think we all realise that that's actually a vagina.

* At CONglamourART we're well aware that getting sued for defamation after attempting to out someone is incredibly chic right now, but not something that we are quite ready to get involved with.

Frames - Mosaik

2010-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

I wrote a really short review about one of the best debut albums I've ever heard. I wish I'd given it the time and attention it deserves but....

Dakota - Heart and Soul

2010-04-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, Dakota are a pretty average band that have released a pretty above average album.

I sat down to review it having just watched a documentary about the effect of the invention of synths on British music. I was craving Soft Cell, desperate for Duran Duran and yearning for Yazoo.

So, I got really excited about the album and threaded some convoluted yarn about them putting Kuble-Ross to music. Pleasant.

Savatage - Still The Orchestra Plays - Greatest Hits Volume 1 & 2

2010-04-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

I reviewed a 'best of...' album for the band Savatage.

Savatage are a thrash metal band from the 80's. They were described to me as pioneers of a prog-thrash sound that changed the face of the metal world. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?

I hadn't even heard of them. I only opted to do it because I saw the word 'orchestra'. I thought it might be a modern harsh take on classical music. When the press release and the cd turned up, I was fucking gutted. I listened to it. Cringed. Why on earth were a completely no name, theatre metal band getting a greatest hits CD?

But the band do have fans. I may not have anything in common with any of those fans, but it is for them that I am writing. So, after some intellectual tussle with my editor about audience and integrity etc, I decided to sit down an put some effort into it.

Hours of research later (I grew a beard, watched Star Trek, wanked over Seven of Nine and played one of those jaggedy guitars), this is what I produced.

Why Satyagraha is necessary in 2010

2010-03-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Satyagraha, first performed in 1980, is the second in Philip Glass’ trilogy of operas celebrating men who changed the world. It loosely follows the story of Ghandi’s struggle for India’s liberation from the British Empire, while putting a mirror to the Western World and dragging the viewer through two hours of agonising arpeggios and bullet time protest. So, why have the Improbable theatre company and the English National Opera decided to bring it to London’s Coliseum in 2010?

First, we need to understand what the year 2010 means. The world is scraping its way out of a recession, the British Army are occupying a country they have no right to be in and global politics are in a constant state of very nearly almost changing dramatically. Like most years, I suppose, but especially in 2010. It’s the perfect time for a tale of liberation from materialism, belief in change and internal criticism.

The production is unbelievably Brechtian. A chair can’t possibly just be a chair. A chair is a weapon, a chair is armour, a chair is a signifier of wealth and privilege, because in a society where the poor actually have nothing, even the simplest of furniture screams of social status, dahling!

The set is transient, amorphous and captivating. Great images are realised using two key materials; corrugated metal and newspaper pages. In the first act, a huge war is fought between a massive papier-mâché Queen Victoria in formal attire using a parasol to stab a huge Indian soldier. Newspaper pages, symbolic of Castell’s Age of Information, become key to every image that the show creates, with no creation having any permanence. Today’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chip paper. We’re faced with the throwaway nature of the western world while cannonising an icon of the east.

Satyagraha, Sanskrit for “non-violent resistance”, is a celebration of great men. Not only is it a tribute to Ghandi, but each act is observed on a spiritual level by another great mind that, in the nauseatingly genius mind of Philip Glass, represent other incarnations of non-violent resistance. It is interesting that in this production the final figure of Martin Luther King Jr is depicted by way of an enslaved black man being stripped of his rags by his peers, who then clothe him in a suit and elevate him onto a towering podium. To a modern audience, it seems impossible not to see elements of Barack Hussain Obama’s heroic ascent to presidency last year and remember the optimism that came with it - albeit only to be faced with a prolonged period of very nearly almost having achieved change.

Most sinisterly, the canonising of Ghandi requires the viewer to demonise the English. The thousands, who took their seats in that opera house over the nine performances, sat and watched as the British brutalised a peaceful protest of ghandi’s supporters and murdered the man himself all in the name of the Empire. This would be fine if it were a case of, “look how barbaric we were back when we invaded India for no reason”, but it isn’t, is it? The 2010 production of Satyagraha prompts the viewer to question our occupation of both Iraq and Afghanistan and the innocent people whose lives have been devastated as a consequence.

Not only is Satyagraha among Philip Glass’ greatest works, it is an incredibly necessary piece of art for a contemporary audience. Rather than being tucked away in an opera house with a fifty quid entrance fee, it should be made compulsory.

(Images Courtesy of ENO and Catherine Ashmore)

Dissapointed by Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland?

2010-03-27T14:35:00.001-07:00

Fair enough. It feels more like a sequel to a Shrek film than a reinterpretation of a literary classic. The CGI acts as a crutch for the film's lack of innovation. The archetypes of the story are under-explained, which would be fine if it were pitched at an adult audience, but the brand of Disney and Pixar humour employed throughout would surely only impress a naive runt.

We all know that the advantage of doing a '10 years later' on a children's story is that you can fuck with it a bit. We didn't want a straight forward hero story. We wanted dispisable heroes and tragic villains.

Positives? Matt Lucas is brilliant and Matt Lucas is brilliant.

CONglamourART was really hoping for a film that strung together hitRECord's Morgan and Destiny's Eleventeenth Date - The Zeppelin Zoo and the computer game, American McGee's Alice.

Morgan and Destiny's Eleventeenth Date - The Zeppelin Zoo

As far as contemporary film goes, this offering from Joseph Gordon-Levitt's production outfit, hitRECord, demonstrates a far more astute study of Lewis Carrol's brilliance. The language is engaging, taxing and really beautifully amusing. A feature length rendition of this would be bloody hard work but it'd pay off.

American McGee's Alice

So, Alice has spent her teenage years in a padded cell. Wonderland is falling apart and so is her stability. Despite having a fraction of the budget of Burton's Alice, this game manages to be visually gorgeous. It is quite obviously a product of passion and not merely an attempt at bringing in crowds.

NOTE TO TIM BURTON: Don't worry, we still love you. But if there's any way you could chose something a bit more interesting next time. Shock us, why don't you?! Alice was such an obvious choice for you. Let's face it, it has exactly the same storyline as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What you gonna do next? Wizard of Oz?

SHHHHH!!! Don't Disturb The Art

2010-03-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

Copyright of The National Gallery

When I go to The National Gallery, my husband and I scurry around the place in hysterics. We dash up to Whistlejacket (above) and audibly swoon. His legs go weak at the Kandinsky and we give huge pantomime yawns at Van Gogh's tired, unemotional, unnecessary vase of mundane summer plants. Bizarrely, the horrid artless barrel of testosterone with a walkie talkie strapped to her muffin tops threatens to throw us out.

At the Courtauld Gallery, we discussed the intricacy of Michelangelo's pencil drawings which lead towards The Dream and gossiped about the fate of the great master's relationship with his teenage muse, Tommaso de’ Cavalieri. And we were told to "shhh"?

Why should we experience visual art in silence? It requires your eyes, not your ears. I appreciate that there should be a level of respect, but it doesn't have to be a solitary experience. Art suffers from its formality. We're told what is and isn't great and never given chance to engage with it on any sort of an intelligent level.

My relationship with Whistlejacket is personal and emotional. For a whole summer it was housed in the Henry Moore Institute in Leeds, while I was working round the corner. I fell in love with its scale and became attached to the apparent sadness in the horses eyes. I'd pop in and visit it every day on my lunch break. So, when I bump into this old friend and I'm with my new boyfriend, of course I want to tell him this story.

Copyright Ras Marley

Similarly, when Nick, a composer and scultor, sees Kandinsky he wants to tell me all about how Kandinsky (above) is an artist and composer; how Kandisky paints sound and visualises symphonies; how he feels connected to Kandinsky through their joint burden of living in art and the alienating struggle to translate what exists in thier heads to something tangible to the everyman. He tells me about his passion in such a way that I engage with the painting and it takes on a new meaning for me.

Sorry, horrid artless barrel of testosterone with a walkie talkie strapped to your muffin tops, I will talk my way around your gallery. I'm appreciating it a hell of a lot more than most of the Brian Sewell parrots in the room.

Eurovision 2010 Looks Set To Be Completely Void of Controversy

2010-03-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

So let's remember 2008, when France's entry Sebstian Tellier...BRACE YOURSELF...sang in English.

There was uproar. If you missed it, you obviously have better things to do with your life than become emotionally involved in a completely defunct song contest. I envy you.

"Sexual Political Agendas Are SOOOOOO Last Decade". Discuss (40)

2010-03-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

She calls herself my "good Christian sister-in-law". My husband calls her his "amazing Crowleyan sister-in-law". Both are true of my alright-when-the-moon-isn't-full Children of God cultist sister-in-law.

Earlier today she presented me with the statement above. Sexual Politics are off the agenda, are they? Does 2010 mark the beginning of the queer utopia? Probably not. No.

Why?

Well for starters, the BBC thinks that this is worth debating: Should women soldiers fight on the front-line?

For mains, I present Come Dine With Me's Andy Swales from the painstaking York edition of the show. Andy comes served with a side dish of sexism, artlessness and biggotry. Wash him down with a huge pinch of salt? No. Women, pour yourself a pint of stout. Men, make yourself a creamy Baileys. We're going to war!

Ready for something sweet for desert?:

BRILLIANT!

Conclusion. If we stop caring about queer politics, they suddenly become more important than ever before. And as our very Miss Jackie Beat shows. Politics doesn't have to be serious.

But, in fairness to my pleasant and spiritually clouded in enigma sister-in-law, the queer bits in Dr Who were getting really dull. I agree.

Doctor Who

2010-03-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

This Easter, the new series of Doctor Who hits our screens. It's got a new doctor, a new companion, a new logo and a familiar, but also pretty new Stephen Moffatt. We can safely say, it's new. In fact it's also fresh and cool and now and all those other buzz words that make something seem important and necessary.

Change is great. Change is key to Doctor Who. But it always comes with a sort of buttock clenching moment. It could be aweful. We're pretty sure it'll be great, but it could be aweful. Here's three things that I'll say now, but might not still be saying in a couple of months time:

Matt Smith hasn't sold himself.

Mark Gattiss shouldn't have been allowed to write the Dalek episode - or any episode for that matter.

Stephen Moffatt runs the risk of diluting his genius by taking on the whole series.

Just stuff to muse over. Also, we know it's premiering on Easter Sunday, but when is Easter Sunday? How do we find out? Surely it should be advertised.

CONglamourART presents... 6Music Shutting Down is a Political Game

2010-03-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

Adam Buxton has joined the ranks of people protesting against the closure of radio station, BBC 6Music. He's recorded a brilliant take on Bowie's 'Changes' with some pretty frank lyrics.

Note to TV commissioners: Everyone misses The Adam and Joe Show.

My brother - computer games designer, drinker of cheap lager (which he calls 'beer') and, every once in a blue moon, fully functioning adult male - made a pretty astute observation about the whole furore:

You realise that this 6 music closing thing is all a political game right?

BBC know that the Tory Party is going to get in this year and they want to make cuts. They [the Conservatives] want to make cuts to the BBC. So, the BBC is pre-empting this, so they have picked lots of rubbish websites (that were going to get shut down anyway - cos noone has heard of them), a weak radio station and a radio station that the BBC knows has a vocal and activist target market. They know that you and me will phone and compain etc. So the BBC can, in a couple of months time, turn around and say, "We listened to you, and we've decided to keep 6 music up, and invest more into it" and the BBC publically look good. They don't get forced to make cuts under the tories and more people listen to 6 music than before because of all the publicity.

That's all obvious right?

Let's just clarify. This level of intelligent astute observation is a quite a rare occurance. When he read the post below about the trainers, he thought the ones that ripped off Missy Elliot were the ones I thought were ugly. Fool!

Don't Buy These

2010-03-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, Hi-Tech have teamed up with New Look to sell:

One really ugly pair of shoes
One pair which seem pretty cool, but would annoy you after a couple of days.
One pair that are a blatant rip off of the ones Missy Elliot designed a couple of years back.

I don't think you need me to tell you which is which.

CONglamourART presents...Children's TV - The Glory Years?

2010-03-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Owen Kimm, of Elephants fame (reputedly this decades answer to Debbie Gibson), and CONglamourART have been locked in a discussion about "the glory days of kids TV".

Can these presenters actually be responsible for the pinnacle of children's TV or do we just think so because we were there? Send your answers on a stamped addressed envelope to: PO Box.....

Tim Vincent and Anthea Turner
Responsible for a generation of gay kids?

Kirsten O'Brien
Apparently better known as "Bad Teeth O'Brien".

Katy Hill, Konnie Huq and Stuart Miles
OVERLOAD!

Richard Bacon
The nation's favourite coke fiend. PopBitch today quoted him as saying, "Having a meat-based surname can prove problematic". Amazing.

Mark Speight (RIP)
A CONglamourARTist? Certainly a brilliant man who died too young.

Andi Peters
The first black man on telly? Probably for some kids growing up in a monocultured seaside town.

Neil Buchanan
Did he always look this terrifying?

Incidentally, while making this list, it was impossible to ignore how many had gone on to do sexy photo shoots:

Gaga / Ok Go / Hot Chip / Gorillaz / Darwin Deez - 2010 is all about amazing music videos

2010-03-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga - Telephone

Obviously

Ok Go - This Too Shall Pass (Video #1 - Live Brass Band Version)

Unembeddable for these reasons:

Difficulties with EMI

The marching band video sparked much controversy online immediately after its release. Because of deals between the band's label, EMI, and YouTube, the video was not embeddable, frustrating many fans and music industry professionals who wanted to post the video on their blogs, nor was viewable across the globe. The band, led by singer Damian Kulash, explained the label's rationale via the band's blog and through an op-ed piece in the New York Times. According to Kulash, EMI disallowed the embeddable play of the video because they only receive royalties for views on the YouTube site itself. He further pleaded to allow embedding of their next video, citing a 90% drop in viewership when EMI disabled embedding on existing videos, affecting the band's own royalties from viewership.^[11]^[12]^[13]

[Wikipedia]

But viewable (and very much worth it) here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJKythlXAIY

Ok Go - This Too Shall Pass (Video #2 - Rude Goldberg Version)

Cool, but a bit tried and tested.

Hot Chip - I Feel Better

Again, unembeddable, but absolutely brilliant. Directed by Peter Serafinowicz. Apparently raising awarenes about cancer. Have any of you heard about cancer? I hear it's pretty big these days.

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GOZjlwIwfk

ps, I don't think the song is up to much.

Gorillaz - Stylo

Ok, we get it. Royalties are pretty important to artists. I can't think why someone would be so hung up about getting paid for doing their job (really really well). Oh wait...

Once again, dear reader,we are unable to embed this video. It's ridiculously good though. It even manages to make Bruce Willis look cool.

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9vAOzYz-Qs

Darwin Deez - Radar Detector

Less gimmick heavy than the others, but really brilliant anyway. Darwin Deez, we salute you.

Thomas White - The Maximalist

2010-03-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone's aware of the Six Degrees of Separation theory, right?

Well I take it incredibly seriously, which is why I opted to review Thomas White's album. I didn't have a clue who he was except that he knew, had worked with and would bring me one step closer to Patrick Wolf. Unfortunately, his album wasn't great and I had to say that. Also, it soon transpired that I already had a power of one away from White via a bar maid I all too regularly lust over, in a completely respectful manner at one of Brighton's many watering holes.

Here's the review: Thomas White - The Maximalist

In other news, I've been job hunting. I've found:

the more you try, the less qualified you feel and the lower your standards fall.

being rejected is less agonising than being ignored.

the people who run the canal buses from Warwick Avenue - Camden Lock are looking for staff and, although it isn't exactly the summer I had in mind, I'm beginning to find it really appealing.

First Aid Kit

2010-03-10T04:13:00.000-08:00

So I trotted off to the best venue in London, Union Chapel, with a pen and a pad - both went unused - my ipod and my dictaphone. I was reviewing a pair of Swedish sisters, both of whom are far to young to be achieiving the sorts of successes they are, who go by the moniker First Aid Kit. It was a good gig, but it wasn't a great gig. I reckon that's the hardest thing to write about - mediocrity - and for ages I....

I wrote my review in Ground Cafe in Kemp Town. Ground is possibly my favourite cafe in Brighton and my second favourite independent cafe of all time. Interestingly though, I have quite a pure love relationship with Ground. Like a long term partner or a family member, sometimes it can really piss me off>>>

I rapidly grew tired of the middle class soy drinking sociopaths quizzing the [gorgeous] Batista on the sugar levels in absolutely everything they contemplate ramming down their child's throat in case its metabolism fucks up and it learns to think, develops feelings and chews off the umbilical:::::

There's something really pleasant about spending a whole day in a cafe {outside of London}. You see the ebb and the flow. The costumers do simulate waves in extremely slow motion. Later on in the day, costumers would come in and ~ thinking they were doing some great work for the minimum wage bum working [gorgeous] Barista, making his day brighter with small talk ~ say "have you been busy" and bizarrely my day would brighten [Brighton] with the small talk and I'd be tempted to turn to them and say "oh yeah, you should've seen it at half 12. We were fighting them off, weren't we gorgeous Barista?"

:::::chord. In all sincerity, my biggest beef with the clientele that frequent my Ground is people - and I'm sure many of my best friends are guilty of this and I don't write out the possibility of myself one day joining the ranks - who say that a cake looks "deliciously unhealthy". It's not funny. I was there for five hours and i swear this exhibition of post-modern body consciousness was far too fucking frequent.

<<< but I let it off because I know that our relationship runs thicker than that. Ok, so the internet refuses to work on my laptop and a good 60% of the clientele are twats, but the coffee is stunning and there's something about the room that feels - right.

....struggled. Thankfully I eventually pulled it together. I think that building a really tight structure to work around is probably the best way for me to operate from now on. My only concern is that putting words into an extremely controlled framework might make it seem a bit sterile. But, without structure, I would never have been able to create this onion.

Oh yeah, here's my review: First Aid Kit @ Union Chapel

Eight Legs

2010-03-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

I like Eight Legs. I like them a lot, but I had a bloody hassle reviewing them. They're basically just an indie guitar band. And that's basically all I said in my review. Over and Over and Over again with a sort of late drop at the end.

Also, I was dubious about the existance of a barometer of standards at this particular publication, so I decided to fuck about a bit. In the last paragraph, I discuss the band in term of quantum mechanics (my other hobby)...they still posted it.

Things I didn't say:

Two quarters of this band are really fucking hot.

The same one half of the band have amazing sexual chemistry.

One half of that two quarters, so indeed one quarter, might actually be a gay. If there are any developments on this front, CONglamourART might be the only gossipmill that cares. Rest assured, we will run a month long coming-out feature for him

Here's the review: Eight Legs @ 93 Feet East

As with all my XYZ material, it benefits immensely from the, to coin a phrase from the Ilkley Gazette, "image-making" of Liz Chambers.

x

Girls (Frankie and the Heartstrings support)

2010-03-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

So, we've met Girls before. Last November, I was singing thier praises RE: thier brilliant video for Lust for Life. It is quite definately a brilliant video and if you missed it first time round, please go there and have a look.

I then got the album, Album. That was really good too. Full of quirks and amazing tunes. It effortlessly earned it's place on the "Best of 2009" lists.

Obviously, I was thrilled when The Music Fix said I could bugger off and review them!

Unfortunately, I had to go on my own.

I've not been to many gigs on my own. When I have, it's always been at festivals when it's a case of: "I'll catch up with you later, friends. I'm gonna go and see this band, but it'll be fine cause everyone there'll be in a lovely mood. It's a festival after all. Can I take that bottle of gin with me? I'd hate to get dehydrated/sober/all of the above."

No. It was more like walking into a room of North London scene kids on your own with more than a thousand paranoias floating around about your personal worth and any ounce of arrogance you can sometimes muster in these situations is gone, because it's raining outside and there's a hole in your winkle pickers and you over dressed to come here so you've got to carry your coat which adds a thousand 'divvy points' to your general appearance - you know it, right?

I often wonder if the review you eventually give a band is at all based on thier performance. It's far more likely that I just impose my mood on them. "When Girls came on stage, they looked like divs with wet socks and red faces after an embarrasing kerfuffle with the bouncers on thier way in. They are well not scene enough for an encore."

Anywho, here's my review: Girls @ London Scala

x

Parenthetical Girls - On Death and Endearments

2010-02-17T04:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

It gives us great pleasure to be able to present you with yet another picture of the gorgeous Zac Pennington.

Yeah.

Take it in.

Isn't that nice?

Shake off the tensions of the modern world.

Get lost in those piercing eyes.

Remember the last time we saw those incredible cheek bones? It was when the artist, husband and, as far as we can tell, actual living human being, Nick Hudson kindly lent his fingers long enough to caress some keys which eventually turned into a near-sensicle tirade detailing his adoration for that very fey man-thing.

This week, I was invited to join the busy team at The Music Fix. I decided that I wouldn't get too involved right away. I'd ease myself in. Get Valentine's Day (which was great, thanks for asking) out of the way first.

Then the opportunity arose to review the first of Zac's five Privilege EPs.

Fuck waiting! Fuck "easing in"! I leapt at that opportunity! Bit that bullet! Chomped on that bit....and other similar clichés.

Enjoy xoo

Ps, has it been too long since a Zac picture? Try this...

Oooooo, xoo

CONglamourART thanks...Alexander McQueen

2010-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Alexander McQueen (16 March 1969 – 11 February 2010)

Thank you for being the perfect archetype of CONglamourART. You made your life public, your dreams tangible and your genius accessible. You treated fashion as art.

We are forever in your debt.

Winter Rites: Nick Hudson

2010-02-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

Nick, who has previously contributed to CONglamourART and been the subject of it, played his first gig in London on Sunday 7th February. I went along in the guise as a supportive boyfriend.

I happened to have a dictaphone with me and a photographer (the delectable Liz Chambers)....so, I had to review it for XYZ.

I was also with two of my favourite debauchery buddies (featured at the bottom of the review), so we got pretty bollocksed on cheap wine and charged around the place like twats befriending as many people as we could and just as quickly insulting them.

I now think of Bethnal Green as: The Scene Of The Crime.

xoo

Esben and the Witch #2

2010-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

So, I was asked to review Esben and the Witch again.

This not only meant that I was reviewing friends of mine (awkward), but that I was reviewing them for the second time in two months (annoying). I do like Esben and the Witch. In fact, I think they're bloody brilliant. But, wouldn't it be boring just to say that again?

I fiddled about with a couple of ideas how to go about it. My favourite was to do a 400 word profile on Dan Copeman. He's really tall and although he has too much facial hair for me, he's a bit dashing. He doesn't wear shoes on stage because he operates lots of machinery with his toes (and he has size 14 feet!!). To top it all off, he's a bloody snappy dresser - yeah, I went there. I said "snappy".

I soon realised that this approach wouldn't fit in with XYZ's style guide so I went for a more playful angle. Enjoy. xoo

These New Puritans

2010-02-04T05:25:00.000-08:00

So, this week my husband and I ventured to Audio to see These New Puritans. Audio is a crap venue reminiscent of those in Scarborough. Dank. Underground. Awful sound. It's only redeeming feature is a Baz Luhrnam's "Romeo and Juliet" style fish tank between boy's and girl's loos (amazing).

I reviewed it for XYZ. He chatted about complicated man things with the cleverest and most attractive member of the band outside. I didn't have my usual photographer, I had a small creature who goes by the name of Emmest. She did a marvellous job.

Afterwards, my husband and I went for drinks with a brilliant man who, it transpired, is the photographer who shot David Bowie's 'Pin Ups' album sleeve with Twiggy. It is then that I realised I am becoming less shallow in my old age. I liked him before I found that out. How noble of me.

Oh yeah, here's the review. xoo

Short Film: Size 5 (2005)

2010-01-29T13:04:00.000-08:00

Imagine Pictures LTD

“Size 5” is a Scottish movie (written, directed and produced by Norwegian, Joern Utkilen, but undeniably Scottish). It deals with life’s burning issues such as status anxiety, consumer rights and…the size of your balls.

It follows the story of “local Musselburgh hero”, Grahem Howie, as he battles with the trauma of having been sold a size 4 football in disguise as a size 5. Apparently size 4 balls are for kids? We didn’t realise they had sizes – “I’d like a round one, please?”

Highlights include:

Ø Grahem’s sister, her helmet and an orange.

Ø A series of brilliant tantrums.

Ø If you squint, it could be a really odd episode of Balamory.

Ø The shopkeeper sports a hot pink polo neck, headband combo. Timeless chic!

It’s seven minutes of tension, autism and cringe-worthy-fighting-with-a-seatbelt-brilliance. And there’s not a weird blue alien in sight.

The film has a very low profile online, but I've pieced together this much:

Director - Joern Utkilen
Writer - Joern Utkilen
Producer - Joern Utkilen
(Joern Utkilen is a 39 year old Norwegian born film maker, currently based in Dunblane who graduated with a Ba (Hons) in Film and TV from Edinburgh College of Art)

Characters:
Grahem - Arron Usher
Grahem's Sister - (probably played by) Helen McAlpine
Grahem's "friend" - (either played by) Neil Kent or Martin Radich
Shop Keeper - (probably played by) Katrina Bryan

Enjoy x

CONglamourART presents...a profile of Zac Pennington by Nick Jack Hudson

2010-01-26T03:58:00.000-08:00

Nick Hudson 4 Zac Pennington: A Love Affair.

Zac Pennington is one of those coolly self-reflexive independent musicians who has adopted the Correctly-Abbreviated-Christian-Name Stance (CACNS, to those in the know), situating him in the enviable company of Thom Yorke, Johnny Greenwood and, um, a woman I used to work with called 'Eliz'. Zac Pennington is, in fact so cool, for this, and innumerable other reasons, that I am in fact considering signing off this net missal as 'Nich', just so as I might have the meagrest chance of sucking on the runt toes of even the lesser pantheon of the uber-cool within my lifetime. Hell, it's a start.

Pennington's band - previously comprising members of The Dead Science and of late fashioned from a piecemeal chamber orchestra - Parenthetical Girls, operate out of Portland, and over the course of three albums thus far, have presented such a seductive, sinewy, and beguiling case for experimental indie pop being very much alive and well, that I'm no longer sore over having missed the recent My Bloody Valentine reunion shows. Early patrons/collaborators included the aforementioned Dead Science crew, alongside Jamie Stewart of Xiu Xiu, whose own wobble-throated psychodramas sit amicably alongside Pennington's oblique tales of ruined mothers, hysterically damaged sex, and incalculably clever pop-cultural references.

I first heard Parenthetical Girls performing a Smiths cover, and kicked blind by the ferocity and ingenuity of their rendition, bought the 7" despite my not owning a turntable. I then systematically bought up the three full-lengths, and within two days, a form of geek/greek love had erupted with all the adolescent swooning and mimetic posturing I might have affected were I around when Morrissey first jacked off with a gladioli.

It occured in two stages - first I heard Zac Pennington's voice - that tremulous, insistent androgyne, with its spastic leaps between falsetto and 'man/boy' registers; that voice, curled around such erotic, puzzling song-poems. The Salvation Army tuba-tastic 'Four Rooms', shimmering with a perfect algebra of internal rhymes and lyrical intrigue lasts little over two minutes, and is easily substantial evidence of why they should be everyone's favourite band, even if only for the duration of the song. Though I defy anyone to fall OUT of love with this posse once snared.

The second thing to hit me happened when I went browsing online for an image of our hero/ine, to be confronted with perhaps the most exquisitely beautiful man(?) I've ever seen - the cheekbones, the carefree flounce, the bespoke jumpers, the sculptor's lips, the sabotaged-whore photo of him in a wedding dress (the sleeve image from the ...Girls' Tori Amos cover, 'Jackie's Strength') - to doubly swoon over the emanations of one creature in the course of a single afternoon proved too much.

I retired to bed, fanning myself with a gladioli lest I faint, weak in the presence of beauty, as Alison Moyet might have it. I awoke changed. A fresh flounce to my step. The inability to keep my arms by my side when singing. And a sudden urge (albeit a revivalist one - my early works are basically backwoods wank fantasies) to layer a carnal sensualism all over my new lyrics.

This band turn me on in every sense imaginable - surely the duty of the pop song. For behind its sprightly perversions and hyper-literate narrative weavings, Parenthetical Girls make FINE pop music. I never thought, that in my late twenties, I'd still be susceptible to that most knee-buckling, stomach-fluttering phenomenon known as The Swoon. How refreshing to in this instance be proven wrong.

By Nich Hudson, 16, Apparently.

Nick Hudson's further work can be found here - http://altarclef.blogspot.com

MEN

2010-01-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

As part of my work for XYZ magazine, I spent the first two days of this week in a drunken haze with queer punk/electro three-piece MEN. This resulted in a hangover, a review and an interview.

Thankfully, the hangover is now gone, but the Interview can be found here and the review can be found here...oh, and Kate Nash was there.

Enjoy,
Joe xoo

ps, all photos are by my gorgeous accomplice Liz Chambers.

American Psycho 2: The Return of Urban Serial Killer Chic

2010-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

By Joe Nockles

The sales are almost over and the new lines are in. This season is quite possibly the best for years. Everyone's back on form. Westwood has evolved. Burberry's gone bondage (albiet in a charming beige Burberry way). If you squint your eyes as you walk down Regent Street, you might be lucky enough to block out Desiguel. Interestingly, some of the standout pieces, and a few standards, create the perfect outfit for the 21st Century's Patrick Bateman. Let me explain...

As if in slow motion, a cigarette stub tumbles to the ground crashing into every particle of terror hanging in the air causing it to rotate like the buds of a Sycamore. Landing in a flourish of embers, its brief life is brutally and unapologetically brought to an end by the steel segg of a pair of Jeffery West Rochester Rafael’s. The right one. The signature 1½” heel of his blood-splattered left is still wedged firmly on his victims neck, squeezing out the last few gasps of air.

The last thing the poor helpless sap sees is the impeccably tailored leg of his assailant’s Paul Smith London Willoughby suit. As if a magnifying glass replaces his eyes’ dying lenses, his vision erodes until all that's left burnt into his retina is the crisp detail of the fine woven navy wool.

Smirking, the sartorial sociopath replaces the 6½” handmade Tanaka Nakiri cleaver onto its customised loop underneath his jet black, waxed cotton one-off Burberry poncho, which he wears primarily to aid his disappearance into the shadows, but also conveniently protects his Paul Smith Jacket, Vivienne Westwood Krall neck shirt and burgundy Ozwald Boateng tie from the torrades of human blood that emanate from the casual, vigorous lacerations of his unsuspecting, undeserving victims.

He glares through the lenses of his black Tom Ford R92’s with satisfaction. Now he's finally ready to attend the Leeman Brothers’ shareholder meeting he’s been putting off.

THIS IS NOT AN EXIT

Boots: Jeffery West
Suit: Paul Smith London
Cleaver: Tanaka Nakiri
Poncho: Burberry - In store; 21-23 New Bond Street
Shirt: Vivienne Westwood
Tie: Ozwald Boateng - In Store; 30 Savile Row
Glasses: Tom Ford

Delphic – Acolyte

2010-01-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

Released 11th January 2010
(Polydor)

by Joe Nockles

Ubiquitous to the point of nausea, Manchester outfit, Delphic have been heralded as the “Sound of 2010” by nearly every critic in the country. Some have gone as far as to label them the pioneers of the new decade. If either of these claims are true, then I’m gonna stock up on Wagner operas and Gregorian chant and cut myself off from popular culture for the next ten years. Luckily, Delphic aren’t pioneers, channelling the Hacienda sound but revamping it with a ravey twist. Delphic are merely proof that the tip lists each January are compiled as much by savvy press officers as they are by lazy journalists. I swear that you could tip off a glorious Avril Lavigne comeback and somehow or other, via the power of the media, it would come about. Acolytes sounds like a hungover Foals playing Klaxons' slower songs on ketamine. At times the melodies are so neurotic they’ve reportedly induced epileptic fits in even the most resilient of Phillip Glass fans. Don’t fall for the press release cut-and-paste reviews. The decade ahead will define its own sound and Delphic certainly aren't it.

2/10

Vampire Weekend - Contra

2010-01-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

Released 11th January 2010
(XL)

by Joe Nockles

Vampire Weekend’s sophomore album won’t change the world and it doesn’t really attempt to. When their eponymous debut hit indie dancehalls in 2008, it sent everyone into a bit of a spin. A strange preppy boy from New York was squarking at us about punctuation in a nice shirt and chinos while another americana incarnate fiddled about with a steel drum. Middle class white kids were doing world music rhythms and strangely, it worked. Follow-up album, Contra, meaning ‘opposed’, couldn’t be more disappointingly safe. It carries on the aesthetic of the first album and makes no deluge into controversy. There are two very good tracks that shine alongside their bland colleagues: “California English” (Warped vocals. Gorgeous strings. Incredibly cool. Not remotely sing-along-able) and “I Think Ur a Contra” (Luscious finale. Grand scale string arrangement. Smells a bit like that dreadful ballad from Little Shop of Horrors, but they pull it off).

Most importantly, Vampire Weekend need to realise that they’re a summer band. What on earth are they thinking releasing in January? Come back in six months and soundtrack our festivals, please.

4/10

Pandering to the Patrons

2009-12-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

My mother explained that since she's basically funding my pursuits down south, she should have some say in what I produce: "Shakespeare didn't want to write his histories, Joe, he did them for his patrons. I am your patron and I want a poem!"

So I wrote her a poem:

That Be The Verse
by Joe Nockles

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother:
"What will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be wealthy?
And here's what she said to me"

"Why have you cast yourself as a girl Joe? I don't understand. This really isn't what I had in mind! Now man up and try again!"

When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother:

"What will I be?
Will I be handsome?

Will I be wealthy?
And here's what she said to me"

"Oh for god's sake! You're not a little boy anymore, Joe. You're 21. You can't be a child all your life. One day, you're gonna have to get up and stand on your own two feet! Now grow up and try again!"

When I was just a young adult,
I asked my mother:

"What will I be?

Will I be bread line?

Will I be dole line,

begging for a cup of tea?

And here's what she said to me"

"Why have you lowered your expectations? The world's not that bad is it?"

You'd be surprised, Mother.

When you were just a little girl,
You asked your mother:

"What would you be?

Would you be happy?

Would you be wealthy?"

And she said:

"No one's happy.

You'll be a social worker just like me"

Esben and the Witch

2009-12-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

I went to see Esben and the Witch at Cargo in Shoreditch. Instead of buying a ticket like normal people, I went up to the desk and said: "Hello, I'm from XYZ magazine. I'm on the guest list. This is my photographer. Can we come in please?"

It was brilliant.

This is the resulting review.

Photography by Liz Chambers

CONglamourART Review of 2009

2009-12-12T03:59:00.000-08:00

by Joe Nockles

Welcome to The CONglamourART Review of 2009...
This is an opportunity for me to come out of the CON ART pretence and speak to you a bit more directly about the year we're leaving behind. How exciting!

That means, less talk of Credit Crunches and more gonzo anecdotes of 30 minute relationships soundtracked by American wall-of-sound artists in the basin of a field. No mourning Micheal Jackson, because you'd all much rather I recount how Franz Ferdinand cheered me up from break-up blues, yes? Or how three electro legends and a handful of the best friends a boy could ask for came together to make for the best night out ever.

Frankly, 2009 has meant a lot more to me than recession politics, Obama-rama and expenses scandals:

Seven Life Nuggets

I entered the year in an immense rave in York hugging a childhood friend and a few hours later was dying from self-induced alcohol poisoning (a hangover) under a duvet in the coldest sitting room in the Northern Hemisphere.

A terrible break-up turned into a brilliant friendship...twice.

I broke my foot and had a 'Rear Window' style 8 weeks (I've always wanted to be James Stewart).

I attended my graduation with the trendiest accessory at the time, Swine Flu, and sweated through 4 layers of ceremonial garb.

I met a genius in unlikely circumstances, fell in love and went on to plan our lives together (we're getting a place in Brighton in 2010 and one day we'll have a Leonberger).

I moved to London. Quit a course. Started a brilliant one. Got a shit waitering job. Served lots of famous people. Became underwhelmed by the site of famous people, until I met Helena Bonham Carter and melted.

For the first time in my life, I have a pretty good idea of how I can expect the rest of it to pan out and I'm really fucking excited.

Ten Best Live Shows (and one disappointment)
(In chronological order)

Franz Ferdinand - Rough Trade Records, London
January 19th

A secret FF gig showcasing tracks from the third album shakes me out of day five of break-up moping. The next day I met up with the ex during Obama's inauguration. If symbolism ruled my world, Barack would have been assassinated there and then. You see, we got together the day he was voted in. Our lame duck relationship would have spanned Barack's glory days. Instead of explaining this to him, I just recounted how amazing the gig was the night before.

Wax:on, Leeds - Erol Alkan, Boys Noize, Diplo - Leeds University Union
May 30th

I spent three years at Leeds University NOT going to Wax:on. Either I went to the best one of them all, or I'd been missing out on some ridiculously good nights. This was the last one my housemates and I (Sans Miss Jones) would be able to go to together and was thus laden with emotional significance. Strangely, the three aforementioned DJ's realised this and played exactly the right songs at exactly the right times.

How on earth could they have know that there were 5 (4) people there insanely bonded by King of my Castle by Wamdue Project and the Boys Noize remix of Feist's My Moon, My Man?

Amazing.

Animal Collective - Park Stage, Glastonbury Festival
26th June

I made a concerted effort at Glastonbury this year to avoid the Pyramid stage and see exactly what I wanted regardless of who else was going. As a result I spent my Friday night solo at British Sea Power in the Fields of Avalon and Animal Collective at the Park. That was the best decision I've ever made.
At BSP, I found myself buying a "truffle" from an elderly hippy for £5. Expensive treat. Tasted Like crap. Lead to a strange night.
I later conquered my fear of heights with the help of a 6 year old girl (I think I was hitting on her mum) and raved like a bastard for the entirety of the Animal Collective set, during which I met a boy who's name I will never know. We fell for eachother's "charms" instantly and were inseparable for the rest of the gig. At the end when the lights came up and the band left the stage, we both felt a bit more attached to reality and suddenly became embarrassed by our actions. We made awkward morning-after style apologies and went our separate ways.

Rufus Wainwright - Pavilion on Albert Square, Manchester
July 12th

This weekend was good enough already. On the Friday, my mother and I attended the world premier of Rufus' debut opera, Prima Donna. We came close enough to Rufus, Jorn, Kate and Martha to touch the sleeve of their jackets (and I'd like to say we stopped there). The opera was brilliant. The set was stunning and the simplicity of the storyline carried itself effortlessly.

On the Saturday, I got a call from the ticket office and on the Sunday evening I was sat in a tiny marquee watching my legend (albeit with an annoying beard, which has since been shaved) perform his songs with the occasional accompaniment on his mother on piano. Very excited about the new album. Zebulon is a bit brilliant.

Pet Shop Boys - Obelisk Arena, Latitude Festival
17th July

By no means, a relic of a the 80's propensity to produce tacky pop. The Pet Shop Boys are serious artists who know what they're doing and are experts at doing it. The show became less about the songs and more about the epic fluidity of the set.
Needless to say, I sang my heart out to It's a Sin with the sort of conviction which should only be displayed if I had a clue what the song was about.
The nearest I've come to enojoying a stadium gig.

Grace Jones - Obilisk Arena, Latitude Festival
18th July
Grace Jones doesn't really perform for the audience. A friend commented that she wanders around in a black leotard rambling incoherently at the audience about how she needs a drink or a spliff or a fuck, changes her "hats" and might sing a song, if you're lucky.
She is, however, the gayest woman in music and she was the cherry on top of a brilliant day.
Earlier on, we'd met Patrick Wolf, Bishi and thier entourage. Patrick was charming although too tall and he had shit teeth. I temporarily stopped loving him for aesthetic reasons and listened to his music. It was alright.

Nick Hudson - St Mary's Church, Brighton
14th September

I attended a concert. It was a bit good. I liked the artist a lot. So I kept him.

Our anniversary is September 14th.

Efterklang and the Britten Sinfonia 'Performing Parades' - The Barbican, London
28th October

The first concert my husband and I attended together...in which he wasn't on stage. Danish band, Efterklang, performed thier seminal Parades album with the backing of a full orchestra. It was mesmirising and euphoric and one of those occasions when you leave thinking, "why is the British media incapable of recognising actual brilliance in its music?".
I bought the LP of the show for my man's birthday. I paid for it online in Danish Krona. The band kindly signed it for him. They're really nice guys.
The day after the gig, they played in Leeds in Mine. I can't imagine them without the orchestra.

Patrick Wolf - London Palladium, London
15th November

I've reviewed this night once already, so I won't bash on about it too much. However, I'm tempted to say that this is a much better review.
I've seen Patrick four times this year and each has its merits. Koko was a stunning come back and an excuse for him to experiment with the Britney microphone. Cockpit was cool despite broken foot. Patrick was stripped down (and not in the way we'd come to expect) and a lot more talkative with the audience. It felt less staged than Koko. Unfortunately, his road crew weren't sympathetic enough about my broken foot to let me backstage. Latitude was glorious. He stayed faithful to fans and won over a whole lot more. Shame about Rusty Superstar though. And why didn't Bishi duet?
The Palladium....well....there are no more words. It was incredible.

A Not So Silent Night - Royal Albert Hall, London
9th December

I won't go into too much detail here, because I'm writing my proper review of this at the moment.

Please note my maturity in using a picture of Kate and Anna, because the night wasn't JUST about the gorgeous, talented, recently shaven, soon-to-break-up-with-Jorn-and-find-me, Rufus Wainwright....It's about the whole family and especially about Kate McGarrigle's Cancer Trust.

Until then: DROOOOOOL, swoon, tear, drool

Now for The Dissapointment Round

Deadmau5 - Dance East, Glastonbury
27th June

I had heard such great things. He had so much going for him. I bloody love people wearing massive things on thier head. But I'm afraid to say, I thought he was dire.
The music was boring and completely undancable. The dickhead wore a black mouse head without considering that the back drop too was black so he could barely be seen. Stupid.
Luckily 2ManyDJs were on soon after and they made everything perfect....wait, why haven't they made it onto this list? SHIT.

Bobby Con Says....What?!

2009-12-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

by Joe Nockles

Bobby Conn is a brilliant man, who unfortunately doesn't warrant the epigram "the man who needs no introduction". Thus, I must introduce him...

So, instead of attempting to condense this great artist's work into a series of cliches ("a modern day Bowie, locked in a 60's Top of the Pops time warp", "more King Crimson than camp lilac", "an avant gardener who nurtures Damon Gough until he's a blossoming tulip, then drowns him in weed killer like the stupid hat wearing twat he really is"), I bring you this. The first two are videos he's made on life's important issues: Satan and drugs.

Confused? How's this....

You know how the longer you spend in a casino, void of clocks and natural light, the more you come to accept that time has in fact been suspended? I guess that's my logic in this. The more I/you/we watch this man, the more I/you/we will learn to accept him.

Not sitting? Try this...

Amazing, yes?

Welcome to the world of Bobby Conn fandom! We ask that you refrain from smoking indoors and dogs must be kept on leads at all times. Enjoy your stay.

I Dreamed a Dream - Susan Boyle

2009-12-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

(Syco Music 2009)

By Joseph Nockles

If you are unaware who Susan Boyle is, let me tell you, you are my idol. I’d like to know the name of the estate agent that got you such a fantastic place under that rock and I’d like to move in next door. Unfortunately, I’m too late, Susan Boyle has infiltrated the consciousness of every innocent person on the planet faster than chlamydia in fresher’s week (and we’re sorry to report, she can’t be gotten rid of with a round of antibiotics).

In August 2008, a bizarre middle aged woman with diagnosed learning disabilities overcame her fears and shuffled onto the Britain’s Got Talent stage. With a name as beige as her dress and an attempted sassiness as cringe worthy as Morrissey doing the Time Warp, Susan Boyle was systematically mocked and ridiculed by Simon Cowell, Ant, Dec and the studio audience. When they eventually shut up and let her sing, however, the laughter stopped. Apparently, 10 million ITV viewers and the Britain’s Got Talent team were completely unaware that talent doesn’t have to come in a size zero and a 34DD.

A year and a half later, Susan Boyle presents I Dreamed a Dream, an album of covers from various ends of the musical spectrum designed to showcase her spectacular voice. It will inevitably be bought by the same people who helped Alexandra Burke beat Jeff Buckley to Christmas number one last year and for those very people it will make for a lovely souvenir of the day they were surprised to hear the voice of an angel emanating from the body of a dinner lady. Unfortunately, it’s a really boring album with some horribly tacky arrangements and it’ll probably be little more than the world’s best-selling drinks coaster by Boxing Day.

3/10

A Rough Gem

2009-11-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

By Joseph Nockles

If you don't already know, this is Marina Diamandis of Marina and the Diamonds.
(You see what she's done there? It's very clever)

This is Hollywood, in our opinion, Marina's weakest song and video so far. It's not very bad. It has a lot to compete with. You might say, it's a rough gem:

There are a number of things you should know about Marina. Three of them are:

1) She is a beautiful, talented, intelligent girl who puts on a stunning live show.

2) She is half Greek and half Welsh.

3) She doesn't usually bare any similarity to Katy Perry.

The previous tracks she's released to her public have been flawless (diamonds) and CONglamourART can't wait to hear the album. In the meantime, we recommend you try and get your head round the Mowgli's Road video and indulge in the gorgeous I'm Not a Robot.

Alternative Christmas Number 1's

2009-11-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

By Joseph Nockles

Does the Christmas no.1 mean anything anymore?

For the last four years, the Yule-tide chart topper has consistently been a product of the Simon Cowell pop production line, X-factor, and not one of them has carried so much as an ironic sleigh bell. The festive top slot shouldn’t the prize at the end of an ITV singing contest. It should be a cheese heavy aural fondue of bad writing and even worse singing, preferably fronted by a children’s TV character. Or alternatively, a work of art with a hint of Christmas cheer, but that can be a bit much to ask for.

Since Girls Aloud beat One True Voice to the top slot in 2002 with the brilliant, but by no means Christmassy Sound of the Underground, I’ve taken it upon myself to soundtrack the holiday for myself. The official no. 1 is chosen by confused Christmas shoppers who venture into HMV for the first time that year to buy gift vouchers for people they don’t really like and grab a Leona CD off the pile next to the counter because they saw her on telly and thought she was pretty…I despair. I choose my own Christmas no. 1 by actually listening to music. How novel!

So, if you want something new to play at your work Christmas party, something that isn’t Wizard and hasn’t been touched by the disease ridden fingers of Simon Cowell, just go out and look for it!

Here’s some of mine to get you started:

2009

Pet Shop Boys – It Doesn’t Often Snow at Christmas

Re-released after ten years, this amazing nugget of synth pop realism will have you raving on your desk with Janet-from-accounts’ bra over your head in no time.
[Out on Dec 14th. Won't beat X-factor's offering, but should]

Or

Sigur Ros – Olsen Olsen

An eight-minute Christmas song? A Christmas song without any audible lyrics? A Christmas song which isn’t at all cheesy? YES! YES! YES! It’s brilliant and at 4:31, it goes from being brilliant to life-changing.

2008

Cyndi Lauper & The Hives – A Christmas Duel

A bizarre collaboration that truly has to be heard to be believed. All I will say is that it always leaves me gagging for fresh material from both parties. Please bring us a foul-mouthed come back album soon, Cyndi!

2007

Sufjan Stevens – Get Behind Me, Santa

American indie superstar, Sufjan Stevens has a the ability to churn out vast quantities of mostly great but very rarely exceptional jangly tunes. This is probably the stand-out track on his cycle of five EP’s, Songs for Christmas. Although, I may just have fallen for it for the quality of the White Stripes pun.

2006

Rufus Wainwright - Spotlight on Christmas

Once upon a time, Rufus was cool. He wanted nothing more than crystal meth and a bit of impersonal buggery. Then one day, Elton John made him sober up and record this for The Elton John Christmas Party album and Rufus gradually became less and less attractive while his music improved. Spotlight on Christmas is a song about how we should all be content with the company of loved ones at Christmas and not focus on material things...YAWN...despite this, it's a rather catchy little ditty.

Patrick Wolf

2009-11-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

London Palladium
15/11/09

By Joseph Nockles

The crowd parted as I was dragged into the venue on all fours wearing a Vivienne Westwood pinstripe suit and a bondage dog lead. I thought for a second I’d stolen the show – how wrong I was.

Patrick had costume changes including a leather vulture cape, sweaty see-through white trousers (with a black jock-strap underneath, in case you were wondering) and a Fred Butler designed tinsel shoulder piece.

Patrick had German industrial legend, Alec Empire cart his decks on stage and ravage the audience with his trademark aggressive electro and bass lines so bassy that every seat in the house vibrated uncontrollably. He had Kate-Bush-sound-alike, Florence Welch (of Florence and the Machine fame) lend vocals to a beautifully Celtic rendition of Bachelor. He had a spinning bloody podium with a beam of light on him, a mirror-ball base and a shit load of glitter!

Patrick had the audience close to tears, with a full string section and a choir adding even more gravitas to the earth shattering The Sun is Often Out. Oh, and he had a ballad about fisting (Check out the opening lyrics to Who Will?).

There was no way I could compete with that.

5/5

[Published on PinkPaper.com on 19/11/09]
N.B. Picture is politely lifted from Pink Paper. Thanks

Rihanna - Good Girl, Gone Bad [Acapella Release]

2009-11-12T04:11:00.000-08:00

(Def Jam Records 2009)

By Joe Nockles

Were you excited at the prospect of a between album release from Rihanna? Were you thrilled at the thought of an acapella version of Good Girl, Gone Bad? Perhaps it would elevate the pop princess from merely Chris Brown’s arm candy and occasional upper body work-out to the level of intelligent-lady-who-experiments-with-ideas-breaks-boundaries-and-generally-flies-the-flag-of-credibility-in-pop-music-for-the-whole-world-to-see? Well no. You were wrong.

The best thing about Rihanna’s breakthrough album was the fact that every song sounded great with your twelfth WKD in hand in that club you said you’d never go back to, but you’ve somehow found yourself in, grinding against….oh, wait?! Sorry, I mean the beat. The beat was the best thing about Good Girl, Gone Bad and instead of clever vocal techniques to recreate the backing track (as Disturbia was intended, surely?) they have merely removed a bunch of levels from the recording. A once brilliant (well 61.5%* brilliant) album, now sounds bare and tired.

Move along please. Rihanna’s very sorry.

*NB: Its always good to show your working out....
13 tracks on the album
8 of these are brilliant
100/13*8=61.5
Thus the album is 61.5% brilliant

Girls - Lust For Life video (XXX edit)

2009-11-10T06:46:00.001-08:00

(Fantasytrashcan 2009)

By Joe Nockles

Girls are a band from San Francisco who probably aren’t gay. That's pretty cool. They’ve also released a bizarre, but ultimately charming, album which appears to have a ridiculously broad palate of inspiration despite being co-written by Christopher Owens; a guy raised in the smothering confines of the Children of God cult in California with a huge wall between his community and the modern secular world of popular culture. That's very very cool. Album track Big Bad Mean Mother Fucker somehow embodies the greatness of The Beach Boys and the lo-fi production of Broken Social Scene. It's really cool.

Even cooler than that, they've slyly released an X-rated video to accompany their debut single Lust For Life against thier record labels wishes. Despite the title giving a nod to Iggy Pop, the track is definately indie-pop and it's sure to have winkle pickers tapping on sticky floors throughout the western hemisphere. Unfortunately, Girls’ record label, Fantasytrashcan, demanded they return to the editing room and create a safe-for-MTV version (as if MTV would ever play something so brilliant?). Luckily for you, CONglamourART welcomes artistry in pop music so we’ll ignore this silly act of business sense on the record label's part and only accept the not-safe-for-work version complete with 8 boobs, 1 side-boob, a couple of naked boys putting on make-up, girls playing with marker pens and an erect cock-cum-microphone. Hoorah!

The fact is, this is a brilliant video. It’s beautiful. It's all made to look like a super-8 montage, matching the classic sound of the recording perfectly and any intelligent observer can see that the nudity becomes completely unimportant once you realise just how much fun the actors are having. It’s rare to see smiles on camera that are this genuine. The bell ends or boobs in shot always come second to the romance and humour that is constantly on show. The highlight is undeniably when "quiffed gay boy" uses "dark haired gay boy’s" member as microphone. It’s genius.

Here at CONglamourART towers, we’ve got Girls’ album (which incidentally is titled Album, those kooky kids) on repeat and this writer’s relationship with his phallus has been irreparably challenged.

Sister Ray: The Shop That Won't Stop

2009-11-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

Independent Record shops are a dying breed and the few that are left fight a constant battle to survive. Joe Nockles takes us to Sister Ray to see what it is that keeps this iconic store afloat.

In 1968, The Velvet Underground closed their White Light/White Heat album with the 17 minute epic, Sister Ray. It was recorded live with each of the players agreeing beforehand that whatever the outcome, it would be done in one take. As a result, the album’s finale is a psychedelic mash of improvisation, instrumental conversation and chaos. The sound engineer reportedly left saying, “I don’t have to listen to this. I’ll put it in record and then I’m leaving. When you’re done, come get me.”

Undeterred by this, the avant-garde rockers went on to unleash a fresh version of this unstructured “heavy metal” saga as a finale for most gigs. These performances would often outrun the recorded version with one live album featuring a 38 minute rendition of the piece. These live performances are now the thing of legend and Sister Ray has become iconic to music fanatics the world over.

Equally iconic, is the music-lover’s Mecca that took its name from The Velvet Underground’s mammoth song. Sister Ray Records has occupied 34-35 Berwick Street in Soho for just over 25 years. In that time it has whittled its way into musical history in its own right by appearing on the cover of Oasis’ What’s the Story, Morning Glory?, the third best selling album of all time. They were also the first shop to stock the Arctic Monkey’s debut EP, Five Minutes With… which these days has a starting price on Ebay of £150.

"The records appear to have been organised with common sense rather than the autistic Dewey Decimal style precision"

It is to collectors what TK Maxx is to bargain hunting shoppers. It claims to be the only independent record store in London to stock every genre of music. The records appear to have been organised with common sense rather than the autistic Dewey Decimal style precision demonstrated by most outlets. Jonny Greenwood’s film scores sits alongside Radiohead’s back catalogue rather than on the other side of the shop under ‘G’ or hidden amongst the soundtracks.

As a result, it is the perfect place to discover music. It’s thrilling to find the Magnetic Fields section isn’t merely the drab choice of the most famous (69 Love Songs) or most recent (Distortion) album, instead it plays host to the complete works of Stephin Merrit, including his self-penned tribute-album-cum-ego-project, The Sixths (which, by the way, is magnificent). The store is littered with oddities from all sides of the musical pantheon. The avant-garde section probably competes with John Cale’s personal collection and the krautrock stretches far beyond Kraftwerk and Neu!

"It has been fighting tooth and nail to keep afloat"

As with all independent outlets, it has faced difficulties in recent years. Obviously, the impact of Internet downloading, the bargain bin prices of major retailers and a worldwide recession don’t bode well for a humble business. In August last year, there was widespread concern when the store announced it had been forced to go into administration. Since then, it has been fighting tooth and nail to keep afloat.

The future of this legendary shop is still unclear, but like a live performance of the song from which it takes its name, it just keeps on going.

Sister Ray, 34-35 Berwick Street, London W1F
(020-7734-3297)

I Love To See You Pissing For Me - Esther Planas

2009-11-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

The White Cubicle
Monday 12th October

By Joseph Nockles

Too many exhibition launches consist of trays of champagne, a clipboarded hostess with her hair on top of her head telling you where the art is (on the walls, surely?) and a gaggle of society types searching the recesses of their minds for something intelligent to say. Esther Planas’s I Love To See You Pissing For Me wasn’t your typical exhibition launch.

Around the corner from the Hoxton White Cube, in the men’s urinal of cult queer watering hole, The George and the Dragon, lies the marvellously punned White Cubicle…Ok, so it’s a dank toilet with sheets of A4 lining the walls. But how else would one display such scatologically themed art?

"I’ve always said that what The National
Gallery really lacks is water sports"

The images depict the artist (a stunning woman who effortlessly pulls off that Karen-O/Angelica Houston look; perfectly bridging terrifying and incredibly cool) and a male model (his legs and crotch anyway) in a series of compromising positions. The highlight: a drenched Plana pressed against a urinal with a stream of liquid aimed at her face. I’ve always said that what The National Gallery really lacks is water sports.

When the artist attempted to photograph her installation officially opened, she discovered a number of patrons had failed to take note of the “Toilet Not In Use – Please Use Disabled” sign. The previous generation of YBA’s, who have since been normalised (Hirst, Emin), might be furious if one were to urinate on their heavily concept bound offerings. Planas revelled in it! She went into a mad photographic frenzy and started forcing unwilling gentlemen to model for her sans zipper. Pure class.

"As erotic as they were abusive"

Overall it was a refreshing change from the woman with the clipboard. The images were as erotic as they were abusive, but they lacked commitment by being printed on A4. Definitely worth a visit, especially if you’re more partial to a pint of Stout than you are a flute of Veuve Cliquot.

(NB:- Image lifted from Esther Planas' personal blog which documents the event brilliantly and is well worth a look. Thank you)

The Spell – Alphabeat

2009-11-01T07:25:00.000-08:00

(Polydor 2009)

By Joseph Nockles

Did you know Aqua reunited earlier this year? You could be forgiven for not noticing. They didn’t burst back onto the scene with a more mature, acceptable-in-the-noughties, pitched at your mums, “we’re adults and we don’t mind it” album, ala Take That. There was no media storm climaxing with a headline slot at Glastonbury Festival or a series of sold out Hyde Park gigs, ala Blur. Nope, these 90s throwbacks decided instead to kidnap the kooky popsters from Alphabeat, kill them, rip out their insides and masquerade around in their skins while releasing trashy 90s pop under the brilliant brand established through their debut, This Is Alphabeat.

This Is Alphabeat was a fun pop album packed full of odd little surprises and effortless Scandinavian charm. It knew it was pop, but that never felt like a bad thing. They brought in the Britney fans with its great lyrics, simple poptastic tunes and jolly beats. Everyone else wandered over either to ogle the gorgeous leads Stine and Anders SG or because their drugs had settled in and they were confused as to why Los Campesinos were playing a surprise gig with new tongue-twister free material.

Alphabeat are unashamed of their new pure 90s thumping house sound, showcased throughout The Spell. Bless 'em. They weren’t here the first time round. They don't know. They're oblivious to the trauma it caused us. No one has told them about the secret wars between the Ministry of Sound and the Department of Smash Hits! which resulted in a huge cover up operation restricting tracks like “Ride on Time” and “Rhythm is a Dancer” to be played only at office Christmas parties, small Spanish islands full of ex-pats and wedding receptions. That small troupe of cute Danes, “The Fantastic Six” have naively undone years of denial and made us, as a nation, confront a pocket of our musical history that we had almost ignored to dust.

That’s not to say The Spell is a bad album. It’s Alphabeat and if there’s one thing they can do, it’s write a bloody good tune. Approach it with a pinch of salt. Possibly save listening to it until you’re getting ready to go out somewhere that isn’t particularly cool (hairbrush in hand?). I’d recommend it for private bedroom raving before gay nights, drinks with work friends or awkward meals with an ex (just to confuse them when you turn up smiling from ear to ear and gurning a little).

Every track will transform perfectly into a solid house remix and will probably be the soundtrack of 2010 for every Oceania goer out there. We were hoping for some more kooky lyrics about living in a jungle, advice on safe sex masked as wet weather fashion guidance and maybe a few more incidental lyrics thrown in there for the “LION” fans. Oh well, until Alphabeat unleash their third album which will either deliver all this and more or embody the spirits of T’Pau and BWO, we’re quite happy to munch on some disco biscuits, reach for the lasers and stare in awe at Stine’s amazing new haircut. Safe as f**k.

Vapours - Islands

2009-11-01T05:23:00.000-08:00

(Anti-Records 2009)

By Joseph Nockles

Switched On, the opening track from Islands’ third album, presents the listener with a series of follies. In the first minute we’re promised an awesome beat-heavy album, then panic sets in as they unveil some new Frankie Valli style barber shop harmonies. Fortunately, this quickly shifts into the familiar realm of Nicholas Thorburn’s luscious vocals coupled with a new sythy sound which is more than welcome.

Unfortunately, this disjointedness continues throughout, with no commitment to any one sound. There is more emphasis on drum machines than in the past, but this is never sustained long enough for it to be labelled their beat album. The Frankie Valli sound re-emerges most notably on title track, Vapours. Thorburn successfully pulls off this newfound crooning for the duration of the verses, but allows the chorus to plunge into what could by now be an overused signature Islands melody, but at this point of the album is just a well needed, comforting return to familiarity. Thankfully, the verses are flourished with an almost ironic brass section hinting that there might still be a pinch of humour left in this newly grown-up collective.

Overall, that might be the fundamental problem with this offering. Islands have grown-up. At times they appear to be shuffling towards the more credible, marketable stylings of Air and Zero 7 and abandoning the epic, grandiose performance pop of their previous albums.

In the past, they’ve produced massive indie-pop foot-stomping anthems without for a second compromising the intelligence or artistry of the music. This album lacks. You won’t find yourself blaring out the lyrics of Tender Torture (a wonderful title which just falls short of its potential) as you bounce down the street, in the same way you might have done for Rough Gem or The Arm. In fact I’m not sure what the modern Islands gig goer is supposed to do these days. Bop along to the first 30 seconds of a few tracks? Rave to the last 20 seconds of The Drums (interestingly, the only point at which it escapes a tiring feux-reggae beat)? Or struggle to stand up in a boredom induced K-hole like the entirety of a Massive Attack audience?

It’s not an entirely flawed album. It’s just not at all what we expected after the consistency of the first two. It's unlike Islands to settle for an unfinished record, but with this offering, they appear to have peaked on track two and allowed the album to fade out altogether by the 5th track. Perhaps it is designed for dinner parties? It can be the source of discussion for a couple of minutes then shuffle into the background once the starters are served.

Monorail (For Joe) - Nick Hudson

2009-10-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

By Joseph Nockles

Mere months after the release of his aching orchestral break-up album, Nick Hudson presents us with ‘Monorail (for Joe)’, an amuse-bouche of things to come. This silken serenade comprised of shamelessly sentimental epigrams marks a shift in Hudson’s life which has found its way firmly into his music. “About your body I’m at my most eloquent”, eh Nick? Lets hope this single’s official release comes with a raunchy B-side showcasing said eloquence. Despite this lunge into love songs, Hudson has by no means annulled his marriage with cynicism, symphony and urban disarray. A haunting two minute refrain proclaims a yearning for urban dystopia characterised by monorails. Whether a love song for a cityscape or a new partner, our mouths are very much watering.

Available at http://www.myspace.com/nickjackhudson